temporary lifestyle
When I'm alone and not busy, I'm frequently confronted by the question "what am I doing here?"The "here" can mean anything from "London" to "contracting" to "being single" and "sitting at home when there's all sorts of exciting things going on in your city right now". It never used to bother me when I was cruising along without much purpose, but now it seems like I just don't have any, and it's not a good feeling.
Everything I do feels like it's so easy - I do what I please whenever it suits me, and there's virtually nothing that stops me from doing it. I don't have to overcome financial obstacles or save up annual leave. After three years of having everything on demand, I need something else huge and new and different in my life. What the 'thing' is I don't know (my ticking biological clock calling? :p), but not knowing it just makes it a lot harder to remedy...
My lifestyle feels very temporary to me. A bit like I'm filling in time until some new challenge comes along to make me focus my attentions and efforts into something useful. I try and create new challenges for myself (like... moving to London) but they don't really end up being what I'm after. (But don't get me wrong - I like it here, and I'm much happier here right now than if I was back in Sydney still working at my old job and wondering what I should do.) The search for the real challenge I'm supposed to be tackling just continues in the background.
I wish I had the comfort that uni and school provided - knowing that even if you idle away this week or month or semester, you're still on an ultimate goal of getting a piece of paper with your name on it at the end. You know the end result -- it's the journey that makes or breaks the experience for you. Right now I'm on a path ending in a passport full of stamps (way cool), but is it enough? I'm too busy keeping myself busy so I don't have the time to think about the answer...
posted by d @ 12:06 am
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